Notes From a Pessimist

A blog within a blog. 
One of my favorite past times? Looking through the past and reposting old shit. Cause I'm cool.
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Old memorable text messages of mine. If there's something I lack, it's subtlety and charm. 


"we hadnt had sex in awhile so finally after last night, which was great, at the end i said 'woo! stellas got her groove back!'...i think it was the wrong response and not one he was looking for"

"Eddie says to come anyway because he really wants to eat a hotdog. we spent $140 on dinner but he still wants a hotdog. i will never understand."

"u suck :[ meow! .< angry >." <---- wtf? 

"yea im a little drunk so thats why im having trouble explaining. the place was good but weird because a bunch of old people were eating there. it was like it was mexican bingo night or something."

"its like a catch 22 everyday you dont die because its like "yay im not dead, but shit i still have to pay my bills".

"nothing like puking up a swiss mushroom burger at one in the morning"

"not only did i look like an overdressed 16 year old but to make matters worse at the bar, i asked if they made mixed drinks."

"what else do blondes have more of than just fun? diseases"

"throwing up that hamburger is my punishment for being mean to you the other day...either that or God is hinting that i should go on a diet"

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Favorite Quote:

whatever you do, do it with passion and fury.

throw yourself into life.

whatever you do, do it with all your heart.

if you sit; sit. if you stand; stand.

whatever you do, don't wobble.

once you make your choice,

do it with all your spirit.

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What I Want (According to Myspace Blog in 2008)

....ironic thing is----these are the things I still want.

Subject : .i want.

Posted Date: : Aug 26, 2008 5:39 PM

i want...i'm a girl and i want everything.

i want things both good and bad for me

things that will both keep me alive and destroy me.

things i could have and things i can't.

the possible and the impossible.

i want thunderstorms surrounding me all the time

with lightening strikes across the sky.

i want to be back at the river that special summer

that i took for granted.

i want to wake up with you by my side

and fall asleep each night in your embrace.

i want to go back to highschool days

relive those great memories

before they start to fade.

i want to love every single person

well that's not entirely true.

there'd be too much to lose.

i want a new car

a new school

a new job

a new enviroment

a new life

more friends

new friends

and old.

i want people to not be so miserable.

especially the ones around me.

i want to be married one day.

i want to see everything.

i want my friends and family to stop their struggle

with shitty jobs and finanical problems

and family issues

and daily drama.

i just want it all to go away

and everyone to wake up with a happy face.

too much to ask i know.

but...

i want the world.

and I want to find 

a dreamer like me

to share it with.

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Subject : .beautiful memory.

Posted Date: : Jan 21, 2008 12:13 AM

<1/20/08>

deftones, white pony, 8...blasting

10:10

pm

drivers window down

music pouring from the speakers

smooth, voice in waves

white light filling the empty air

headlights on low,

everything is glowing..

in the fog

and from the sun reflecting

off the moon

cold crisp wind,

60mph.

what a beautiful night for a drive.

a rush of memories from the song.

senior year,

winter ball,

first drink,

first cigarette.

i shared both

with my second ex.

the whirlwind of events

stuck in my head.

such a beautiful memory.

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Nike and I Agree: Just Do It

Subject : .it all sounds better LOUD.

Posted Date: : Jan 14, 2008 5:42 PM

it sounds better if you scream it.

it sounds better when you yell.

it sounds better when it's broken,

it felt better when it fell.

half-assed attempts fail,

to sing

to fight

to break

to dance

to scream.

if you're gunna do it,

do it all the way.

don't "hint" at it-

say it with some pride.

stop being a pussy,

stop trying to hide.

fuck your fears.

they make you look

ridiculous.

just fucking SCREAM.

darling,

it's held me back too far.

don't say it, yell it...

make the echo last.

make it worth it.

don't just break it...

crash it into something

and SMASH it to nothing,

don't just disagree...

go full force and FIGHT it.

fuck the shoving...

take the fucking hit.

JUST FUCKING DO IT.

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Subject : The Sorrow I Sing and Say Today (poem)

Posted Date: : May 24, 2005 3:38 PM

The Sorrow I Sing And Say Today

Love...is that the dreaded thing they call it?

I'd thought I'd think twice before falling for it.

And yet, here I am,

a player-

no,

a victim,

in the game

it's a shame

how I do this to me.

I woke up

blurry and asked

how i got here.

and then i knew-

i played the game.

i was the little blue girl,

and as i wept,

and as i slept,

mt turn came to pass

and i was moved ahead

now, the little girl dressed in red.

depression...is that the broadened term they use?

no,, self pity seems to be my mood.

and yet, here i am,

being exactly

what i can't stnad.

it always seems

to get in my way.

this is my method,

it's pathetic,

how i contradict all i say.

i go through my motions,

like the sick boy

with his potions

that he takes

to keep him alive.

hate...is that the overstatment today?

i hate nothing,

but i hate everything,

at least by what the society may say.

I'm depressed

and need prescriptions

because my suicidal inscriptions

imply that i cry

everynight-

and doctors tell me

these pills i need

will fix my uncommon

and incorrect

fantasies and mood swings.

addict...is that what they would consider me?

drugs would make me bitter, but oh, the irony!

addicted to gain from pain

or addicted to betraying myself-

addicted to torture, and addicted to lying to myself

and sick of them trying

to pry

these secrets inside

of me,

open

to be exposed,

for all to see.

well here you go,

herew it is,

my broken bloody heart is shit

for you to stomp all out on-

does it amuse you to confuse me?

or shall i put on another show for you too see

just how weak and pathetic i

really am,

under this skin of mine.

i try to be strong, but when it comes down to it-

i was meant to be broken by you.

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Teen Skank Squad Series 

Subject : .teen skank squad.

Posted Date: : Dec 3, 2007 4:22 PM

yeah this is another topic. so brynne and i were at a "party" if you could even call it that. anyway, so i was talking to this one girl and this is all she had to say.

speaking very slowly with a shitty slight western accent:

 "yah, she is like SO drunk, dude. she was like TOTALLY puking earlier. i'm like so tripping out, man. dude i am like SO tired."

and the next morning, the 2 girls converse...

"You were like SO drunk last night."

"I thought that one guy was super hot"

"no dude, he wasn't. you were just WAY too drunk man."

"No way, I totally was not." *giggle* "Ok maybe I was."

*giggle* *teehee* *sparkle*

and then after my wonderful friend volunteered me to be the chauffer for these two dumbshits, i was tempted to crash.

which reminded me as today i saw a preview for this show, why the FUCK do people watch 'the girls next door'? it's a bunch of middle aged sluts with fake boobs, a fake tan, and a fake blonde bleach in their hair. and they sit there and say even more retarded shit than the 2 girls mentioned above. and people watch it? if you are one of them, then you should be ashamed you're even human.

my new future job coorporation: Teen Skank Squad Sharp Shooter

Are they teens? Are they skanks? In a squad? I'm a sharp shooter with a shot gun on the side. You show me where they're at, and I'll take care of it! I'm the girl for the job! (add a cheesy thumbs up picture of me)

Subject : .teen skank squad II.

Posted Date: : Dec 10, 2007 10:25 PM

so one of the girls who i knew before i saw her at the dumb shit party, she was a skank at this middle school i went to. so i know her face. anyway i'm at kmart at service desk putting away my sweatshirt and i don't know if she was just trying to be nice and naturally sounding like a dumbass or was just trying to sound stupid which probably wasn't very hard for her...so she says

"REA? hey, whats up DUDE?" *giggle* (using the same stupid dumb slut voice she had at the 'party')

was she using sarcasm? nah, that's only for people with intelligence. stupidity? more than likely.

so i responded less giddy and excited with "oh. i know you." and walked away. hey, apparently she thought i was funny because she laughed when i said that not catching the disgust in my voice that i actually have conversed with her kind.

take notes- please dont ever greet me the way she did or ill feel the need to stab you.

i'm not harsh. maybe she just was trying to be nice. but i can only be nice back to people of equal intelligence. if i'm nice to dumb people it usually is only out of pity.

i'm not cocky, i swear. if you think i think i'm better than everyone else, you obviously don't know the morons i compare myself to. which reminds me of when dawn, lauren and i imitated the group of idiots that came in from RHS...typical blonde junkies "like omg i have like a rainbow of blond in my hair. omg blond has an e at the end? no WAY! my shoes squeek on the floor cuz they are wet!!! OMG!!!!" *giggle like they are on twack*

.goddamnit.

Subject : .teen skank squad, parts III & IIII.

Posted Date: : Dec 18, 2007 11:55 AM

So of course i'm working in jewelry and i hear my name and think its a fellow employee, but no, tha skanks are back. "rea! omg do you know where fake eyelashes are????" i show them and mention mac has fake eyelashes for $11 and the brown haired-non shitty country accent one says "omg i would die before buying mac eyelashes. wow these are expensive, omg. but i have my moms credit card!" *teehee* *giggle* and then they buy em and leave.

next day i turn around "Omg rea! ya we need to return these, they look way fake." so my manager helps them and they say "omg we dont have a receipt but she (points to me) witnessed buying them yesterday and we want to exchange them" he says ok and they prance off to jewelry area. then i'm getting carts and they run out "Rea! omg! push those carts! hehe bye!" and i laugh to myself because i know that a) i could run them over with the carts if i wanted to and tear off those precious eyelashes of theirs and b) they couldnt push a fucking shopping cart to save thier life.

then they jump in what looks like mommy's silver convertable and blast some shitty hip hop for 3 minutes before learning how to, you know, actually drive after you turn on the car. but they sit with the top down and blast music so that they can look "cool" "hot" and "fun" for the 3 minutes they will spend driving home on back roads to avoid getting pulled over for driving without a license or driving while being a naturally dumb bitch. oh yeah and they trieds to convince me to go to a dance show at RHS cuz it's SUPER FUN...i will say no more.

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Subject : well this should be an interesting failure.

Posted Date: : Oct 15, 2007 1:14 PM

so i know saying love is special is really cliche and it is if you don't add anything to the meaning. but as i was driving home, listening to a band that reminded me of someone from back in the day, i realized that when two people are together, their time is special. again, lame. but if you think about it, each relationship has its own perks, its own style, its own reasons. nobody else got to be a part of what every relationship was except for two people. nobody knows how it felt, nobody has those memories, nobody was included, just those two people for that blink of an eye in time. and when the relationship ends, the memories fade, but those familiar feelings you get when a song comes on or a place you go when you were with them- that stays there. and for a moment in time, two people loved only each other and no-one else. because no-one else seemed to matter. so in that sense, that those memories are only twice shared in every love you have, that is special. even if it ends.

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in my dream last night,

i saw so many pieces.

it was a show but it was real.

i saw a picture of a girl

dead and scattered

like puzzle pieces

on a blank sheet.

and the guy said

"Wow, this will be

a difficult one."

and somebody made

a joke about it,

this dead girl,

her body,

shattered and scattered

like broken glass.

i wonder if that was me.

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Subject : Empty roads and telephone poles...

Posted Date: : Aug 18, 2007 1:15 AM

where did you go?

where have you been?

why didn't you show?

i counted to 10

and still...

but still, i could not find you-

i searched the skies,

but the stars slipped through my fingers.

i guess you were not there.

what an unfair game.

i skimmed over faces

some with names

but mainly nameless

and i was surprised.

none of them had your eyes.

they lacked the sparkle, the soul,

the life- the life you held in your eyes.

i thought if i counted to 50,

maybe you would come and get me-

tell me it was all a joke, a scam,

and you just wanted to see me react.

i looked down all the emtpy roads

and all i saw were lines of telephone poles.

i hoped if i counted to 105

you would jump out from behind one.

but the game was still a lie.

what a bad lie.

i thought if i cried

and showed you my pain,

you would quickly end the game.

say that was it,

it was just a quick trip.

but you have vanished,

disappeared.

since i cannot find you,

i hope you come and find me.

it's ok this time if you scare me.

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Subject : .the wasteland of a teenager.

Posted Date: : Aug 19, 2007 11:10 PM

we are the ones who blast our music

loud and proud

we already know they will accuse us

so we have given up now.

they blast the kmk

when they get ready

gunna get so high today

with the flashing lights

hold the wheel steady.

mix the drink- get ready.

pissed off afraid angry and confused

roll down the window to the end

bottled up emotions diffused.

blast tool,  old or new

whichever you choose.

want to feel free-

speed down mainstreet,

2am, 4am

music at volume 25,

going to sit at mobil and get high.

here comes white stripes

white lights

cop lights.

people in the backseat

laughing, smoking.

crushing, impressing.

drop it, it's hot.

one trip will cost you a lot,

so hit that hit-

it's your first date with acid.

meet my friend, mr. jose

he wants you to give him one shot.

but be absolutely absolut

take no chances and two shots.

party like rockstars.

fuck like pornstars.

one man's junk

is another's treasure.

to them, this is a wasteland.

but to us, this is a pleasure.