OlD hAbItS DiE HaRd
the following is a note i wrote to myself late last night after taking bunch sleeping pills-
i just wish i was in the middle of nowhere by myself. i feel kind of...trapped, like i can't get away from any of the shit i want to go away. subject a won't get the fuck out of my life and i just feel hatred and disgust for them and subject b is barely in my life and always on my mind and subject c just got back into an old habit after a year and like i said, old habits die hard. subject c said they wouldn't do this anymore, that they were done. but subject c had a really shitty day again and fell into it and they once again felt the same high they got when they first did it. they also considered another habit they said that they were done with, but obviously they lied, and dont we all. so subject c is saying they're done with doing or not doing things because of other people- subject c say they are just really frustrated with everything and became really aggressive with everything they do. they said "Fuck you. i'm not going to stop anything for anyone anymore. If i do it, it's for me and nobody is going to tell me otherwise. if i want something, i don't need anyone's fucking permission for it." they look at it as an art, a fashion, anyway. all they said they want to do is destroy stuff, like in fight club--they want to crash a car, they want to get in a crazyass fight, they want to take a bat to a building and destroy anything in it, they want to cut shit out of the world. and im worried about them but i think thats whats so beautiful about them, too. they need to go through it i guess, to heal. but before they heal they have to create a wound first, otherwise they wont see anything to heal and not understand it.
i just wish i was in the middle of nowhere by myself. i feel kind of...trapped, like i can't get away from any of the shit i want to go away. subject a won't get the fuck out of my life and i just feel hatred and disgust for them and subject b is barely in my life and always on my mind and subject c just got back into an old habit after a year and like i said, old habits die hard. subject c said they wouldn't do this anymore, that they were done. but subject c had a really shitty day again and fell into it and they once again felt the same high they got when they first did it. they also considered another habit they said that they were done with, but obviously they lied, and dont we all. so subject c is saying they're done with doing or not doing things because of other people- subject c say they are just really frustrated with everything and became really aggressive with everything they do. they said "Fuck you. i'm not going to stop anything for anyone anymore. If i do it, it's for me and nobody is going to tell me otherwise. if i want something, i don't need anyone's fucking permission for it." they look at it as an art, a fashion, anyway. all they said they want to do is destroy stuff, like in fight club--they want to crash a car, they want to get in a crazyass fight, they want to take a bat to a building and destroy anything in it, they want to cut shit out of the world. and im worried about them but i think thats whats so beautiful about them, too. they need to go through it i guess, to heal. but before they heal they have to create a wound first, otherwise they wont see anything to heal and not understand it.
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