something new

so i actually had a pretty good night last night. it was mainly because i got to sit and think and remember stuff. when i have time to do that and it's evening/night/early morning or one of my favorite times of the day, i relax. i was really relaxed and got to reflect on some things. i wasn't by myself but it didn't matter much. i think i will take off by myself for the day though. i might go...i don't know. probably isn't safe but fuck it if i care. i might just go drive around town until i find a place i want to be. as of now i enjoy being alone without somebody to worry about. relationships feel more like a burden to me now. if i had gotten into one sooner than this, i wouldn't have this attitude, because well i wouldn't have had the time to think about it. i'll probably date again soon, but who knows if i'll take it seriously, if i'll fuck it up, if it will turn out ok. i think i'm better off alone though. i'm too complicated right now to want to involve other people. but hey if i warn them and that's what they want, then good luck to them. i just know i will probably complicate it and mess it up or i'll do it completely right (if that's even possible). but my whole aspect on everything in life is changing so i can say that whoever i date could be getting on a very extreme ride. depends. as far as physical affection goes, i finally no longer feel the need to hold someone or be held. i don't wake up wanting somebody there or not fall asleep because i don't feel another person. and it's nice. it's back to how i used to be before all this shit-very comfortable with being by myself. and i haven't felt that way in over a year and a half. i don't long for touch or somebody to be there. i still love to give affection and make people feel incredible but i don't long for it. it's nice to actually not have somebody always there-calling and kissing and touching. i can breathe. i might skip around a little bit i might not. i may date soon, i may not. but i just know to warn them ahead of time whether i might not be ready for it or what i'm capable of doing. i trust myself a lot more to make better decisions but i don't know. i know nothing. anyways, that's enough about the same old subject that i've been talking about forever. i'm going to go do something important with my time.