nIgHtMaReS

great, now i'm having more fucking nightmares about him again. i wish this would stop. then i almost had a panic attack friday while visiting the cemetary. and my uncle had another stroke today. and i have to call my sick grandma to see if my sick grandpa is still alive. goddamnit. although, when we go back for the funeral, i cant wait to see the church itll be in. because in dreerie erie, i remember this big tall catholic churches with the statues, incense and singing of the priest echoing and how prety but depressing it sounded, the stained glass windows of jesus christ with light shining through and exposing the particles of dust floating around the brown benches, the bigness of the place. it brings back so many memories. i can still remember exactly what the basement smells like and its been years, like 8 or more, since ive been there. i remember the creaking stairs, heavy blankets to protect me from the cold, the fireworks that one night, out the window. i remember up and down on the swings, thinking how i could see the same sky my dad could but was all the way across the country, wondering what id be or where id be in a few years. i remember the pools and sprinklers, the 2 houses. its right there in my mind yet i cant quite touch it. thers like an invisible glass, i can feel it perfectly and vividly in my mind but its not really there, just like the rest of the things in my past. anyway, i think i need to see a counselor, im going to see a counselor. because adam has been in my dreams and nightmares for three goddamn months now if not more---since summer. and im sick of it. im sick of waking up feeling some dreaded feeling or depressed because he invoked some thought in my dream, or having it wake me up in my dead sleep and not being able to sleep again because of it. i really dont see the point in dating right now. i mean i like a couple people, but i jsut really dont feel like going over the same process again. i like the feeling that someone is there but not that they could go away. if i even bother to date again soon, i dont even think ill take it seriously. how can i and why would i? especially after the last two disasterous ones? i know im young, i need expoerience, blah blah blah, but i really dont see the point. having mindless flings and crushes is much more fun and less painful. back to nith grade mentality again-->back when i was smart, which was....fUcK dating.anyway, time for math homework. later.